Alien: Covenant

Films starts with breaking basic rule by killing someone you have no idea existed two seconds ago and later trying to expect emotions from audience. Guys, we don't give a fuck.

Whole film has absolutely no humans, just various androids playing human roles. And it is idiotic hysterical androids, must be some defective refurbished units from future FoxConn lines.

All logic present in small traces amounts in original script had been collected and painfully eliminated by special team. So not even single trace of logic can be seen, just uninterrupted streams of idiotism.

Next time instead of shooting Alien, it is best to dig up deep hole, shout all the script content in it and quickly bury the hole so no same soul will ever knew it.

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Few year ago special Russian hackers group infiltrated Marvel office databases and stole all the scripts including Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 to Vol 297 carefully prepared by most masterful screenplay authors in two weeks during their heavy cocaine usage holidays.

Unfortunately other group members made inexcusable error by trying to understand that they just read and hence instantly passed away in extreme head pain. And it was usually just few pages, imagine the power of whole thing.

As sole surviving member I, and all your few remaining gray cells as company, warn you to keep safe distance from everything even remotely similar to Marvel productions.

P.S. Do not worry, Trump appears only in Vol 7, you still have few years left.

Transformers: The Last Knight

Whole film you will see how idiots burn money and resources for nothing

Two and a half fucking hours with dialogs written by imbecile under cocaine.

I just got this film that was in front of me
and it's, like, just moving all around.
Yeah. It seems to not be... if you'd...
It's just sort of slithery...
Slipping to the...
- Yeah, it's coming down.
- It's going down your pants there. Careful.
And is it tight or gripping on?
It doesn't hurt,
but I don't know what it does. I think the purpose... I think the...
We'll find out what the purpose is.
What is... what is all this?
End of the world.

Brigsby Bear

It can be described as "Blast From the Past"(very good film) general concept paired with "It Crowd" (another good thing) and The Big Bang Theory style approach, yet with story written by imbecile and complete 100% miscast.

Actually it is bad film about horrible childish behavior and holding into it. And with very bad smell too.

Jungle

Film for hipsters about hipsters. Horrible script breaking all the rules.

In short - one complete dumbass want to go to jungle with strange guide and 2 other hipsters.
For pure fun of thing.

As in all usual bad scripts, they split. And our dumbass due to strange random events becomes wet and alone.

From now on he become dumber and dumber each hour and director to overcome this adds some fake horrors only citizen of some large city can imagine.

Final result - he almost dies but only almost, two other guys die for real, but out of camera range.
All as result of fun hipster trip..

But he was Jew and son of respected parents it become famous story in close family circles.
It seems that exactly one year ago family become so rich so they paid to make film based on it.

The Foreigner

Old Jacky Chan kicks ass of old IRA guys.
Very subpar script with big holes.

Bright

Imagine yourself The Firth Element, but few things happened before production began and after this.
First, scenarist jumped from the bridge with the script in his mouth, so script was written by his home cat, do not ask me how.
Second, NSA with FBI made join background check on everyone among actors or crew, all with any sense of humor had been fired within a day of this check completion.
Third, during production special monkey squad was used to decide the scenes order and also money given to each individual (biggest problem actually was to transport piles of money from the set).
After production was finished five special anti suicide teams had been called to preview room.

Triumph of cowards and traitors aka Dunkirk

Good exemplar in collection, outmatch the triple that started the topic.

Main story short.

Around 400000 people not willing to fight much was guided by their commanders to Dunkirk for evacuation and had been surrounded by German forces. German forces had been stopped for some time during negotiations for possible peace treaty or sign of good will as others historians think, some others think it was plot to leave to Germans huge armada of completely pristine vehicles, artillery and tanks. Such stop still considered worst Hitler decision in WWII. As it gave around 350000 people time to evacuate to UK, small boats was used mostly as way to boat people on larger vessels.

Director had hard task to explain behavior of this set of people (hard to call it army). So, to make task easy he scaled things down, like around 100 times. So you will see evacuation of around 3000 people, most of the time it'll be much smaller.

But it was not enough. So, he appealed to filister inside you. To little gray slave with animal like fear. He needed to rise this little freak to gigantic size to have an excuse.

In this film we follow cowardly people who do not care about anything but their ass, and we really do not care about them. They are just strange puppets, like set of cockroaches.

We even do not care about one superman pilot who hit most of German aircraft around by himself in completely unrealistic air dogfight. He is same fake puppet as everything else around.

And of course horrible small boat story about fake "patriots" was added.

Add to this lack of any meaningful script, and completely horrible artistry editing and music made without any real point. Just for the fun of thing.

Watch the amazing Das Boot directly after this shit to understand my title.

The Mountain Between Us

Two stupid people survive in the stupid plane crash caused by stupid decisions.

After this they do various stupid things but survive.

Go watch Discovery, their animal films have much more drama.

6 Below: Miracle on the Mountain

Film about drug addicted idiot that manages to survive by accident.
Whole film is big waste of time and money.

New, better shit coming

Another horrible swearing meaningless thingy

How about make aristocratic family to swear like drunk sailors? Funny?

How about to add little Satan rituals without any logic? Funny?

How about to make main character bride without any backstory, character development or even reasonable acting? Not funny.

All of this is very sad shite.