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Would love another set of eyes
  • 40 Replies sorted by
  • belfrymanbelfryman

    @vicharris No, sure that's a big choice they made early on and for some people it will work, just me re the nose tampon, I write a lot of scripts, cut a looooot of scriptsand kill a lot of babies so a child is nothing to me! I think you'd get away with cutting really close to they're just tampons, I know what you mean logically about seeing the break of the wall but I'll bet if you try it without it would work. But this is just twiddly tweaks of what could or could not play better works a million times better now. Nice one.

  • vicharrisvicharris

    @maxr

    The sound of the cup, needed, also a "pinch of uncomfortable sounds" ( Yep, real sound stuff done yet)

    I understand the girl raising her arm to talk, but that part just feels strange, guess that's because I am a rude man and the only thing I'll raise... forget it (Prob personal taste) :-)

    The curly girl's "wear them proud" needs some kind of emphasis or cut out (Yep, going to punch it up!)

    1 more sec in last phrase "Isn't time..." or better, rephrase; anyway sounds really awkward... why the question and not and affirmation? Time for a company not to be embarrassed about tampons (It was pretty much a place marker till they came up with something better but you're right)

    I know I am entering "personal" territory but I'll give reds some spotlight (?)

    PS I forgot most important: kudos it's looking really nice :-) (Thanks man. I'm tyring to pretend I'm an edito over here, now let's see how the CC and grading go!!!!!)

    Thanks again for all your advice. Glad I have a place to sort of bring this offline before it's delivered to get good, honest feedback. Little easier to give your advice online than in person. I have to tell a buddy that something he wrote, starred in and possibly shot might be one of the worst things I've ever seen and he can't let anyone see it. Not sure how I'm going to do that!

  • maxrmaxr

    I know I am entering "personal" territory but I'll give reds some spotlight (?) - you know tampons, menstruation, blood, kind of assuming also in a visual way - I just have this weird ideas, je je

    I have to tell a buddy that something he wrote, starred in and possibly shot might be one of the worst things I've ever seen and he can't let anyone see it. Not sure how I'm going to do that!

    2 options
    a. is your friend, just tell him, clear and openheartedly
    b. get him and yourself drunk, this one may imply some money, time, tears and probably a hangover, ja ja ja

    all good

  • rockroadpixrockroadpix

    Really like it. This may have been mentioned previously. I'm exhausted from prepping two commercial shoots, but "Embarressed"?

  • _OZ_OZ

    Definitely way better.

    I would jump from "embarrassed about tampons" to "they're just tampons" with less time between.

    Also, her lines are for the most part delivered sincerely (without a wink and a nod) which is critical for the gag. However, the shot of her hitting her chest and saying "thank you for that story" is somehow a bit more like a parody and for me stands out a bit. It could be just me, so please take that with a grain of salt.

    Overall, nice work and keeps getting better!

    O

  • vicharrisvicharris

    @rockroadpix

    Thanks man. As for that, it;s going to change. It was just a sort of place holder. The powers to be will let me know what to put there ;)

    @_OZ

    The chest pat was particularly asked for by the client. One of my later passes had it out and I was "asked" told to put it back in the final. Period! hehehe

    As for the "they're just tampons" part, already done since I posted the edit you saw :) Lost 2 or 3 secs there. It comes right back from the other ladies reactions to that last line.

    @maxr

    Ahhhhhhhh, that's what I thought but wasn't sure. Damn internet loses so much translation and feel :)

    Thanks for the advice on the buddy situation. Probably alcohol is the way to go!

  • matt_gh2matt_gh2

    @vicharris This is quite good. With the proper announcement of the company who is advertising their product added to the end of this, most people would consider this a clever pro level commercial made by a big company. You should be proud - this is a serious accomplishment. Congrats. (Tell em I said you deserve a bonus above and beyond fee agreed upon.) Keep rockin

  • WilboWilbo

    @vicharris Yeah, this is a lot better. Runs a lot smoother :)

    I think it could still be massaged a little shorter though. For me, after the girlfriend and boyfriend finish talking, the setup is completely sold. You can cut the next line from the Blonde and just into the punchline sequence.

    I also agree with @belfryman; cut "we all have our stories".

    Then after the speaker says "How did we get so embarrassed about tampons" there are two reactions with lines (you can just use one).

    I think that would help the pacing along.

    I agree with @maxr, cup sounds and other sound mixing could help (but you already told us the audio is pretty raw so it's kind of a moot point).

    Maybe the client can come up with a better final title, but your placeholder text works fine for me. I read it as rhetorical, not awkward sentence structure... But what do I know? I like to write in sentence fragments and trail my sentences off because...

    Anyway, again great job overall!!! I think we're really all just nit picking :)

    -w

  • WilboWilbo

    @vicharris Also, what is that main actress also in? I think I remember her face from my adolescent days 14-15 years ago :)

  • belfrymanbelfryman

    @vicharris @_OZ felt the same re the chest pat but clients, can't work with them, can work without them...and starve.

  • diggerdigger

    it works much better, but I agree that it could still be a little tighter and think some of the above recommendations on that are good ideas. I also still think that the "tampons anonymous" sign reveal could work better perhaps after her story of telling her daughter they're for your nose when she says "how did we all get so embarrassed about tampons" use a take of this in the wide shot to reveal the sign, then you can keep the rest of the cut with the crowd reactions as is.

  • vicharrisvicharris

    Big change coming:)

  • vicharrisvicharris

    @Wilbo Good eye. She was the lead in Boston Common in the 90's. Friends with my girlfriend. Also was the wife of the lead in Southland. The older, bigger guy. The young couple, the boy, he was Benjamin Bratts son in The Cleaner, so we had some good talent show up. We got a little lucky :)

  • vicharrisvicharris

    @matt_gh2
    Thanks buddy!

  • WilboWilbo

    @vicharris Ooooh, that's where I know her from! Cool! Good acting in your piece by the way :)

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